loveandlimbs

I'm leaving for greece in exactly 10 days. I have too much to write in here. I have too many things to pack and I havn't even started yet.

I have the shittiest friends ever.

is becoming a circle of the same events over and over again. i feel like there's nothing i can do to change anything that happens, and i just put everything off so i don't have to deal. it's almost june and this year was different than all my other 16 years. i don't think i'll ever forgive myself for wasting all those 11 months with nick last year and thinking we could have gone somewhere. i gave up everything and got nothing back. i'm being send to boarding school next year for 11th and 12th grade and i'm pretty sure after that i'll be completely lost too. the school is in brooklyn and my parents don't even want me to come home for the weekends. it doesn't have rooms in the school, so i'll have to be in an apartment with 10 other girls or something, the school isn't all girls though. we're not allowed to use computers/cellphones/or ipods in the house and theirs always a lady in there who is the house mother and watches you. i thought about why i ended up having to go there or what i've done to make myself get to this point where my parents hate me so much that they've resorted to sending me to a school an hour and half away and not even tell me to come home on weekends. i don't really have anyone to blame except myself, and i just hope my brother doesn't end up like me. i honestly don't think i have enough motivation to push myself though, i don't want to go to college to work my life away until i die.

there's so much more that i could write in here about things that i want and need to let out.
but i'm afraid people might read it.

i'm breaking my own heart and it's pathetic
i can't get over things from 3 years ago and it's making me cry
i care too much about the dumbest things and it leads me to always being sad
i over think everything and anything and i'm starting to think my anxiety is worse
smoking weed everyday is making me forget everything but i can't seem to stop cause i like not dealing with things for a couple hours
i feel like i keep lowering my standards for myself just because it's easier.

i'm such a shitty person. i don't know what i want. all i know is i love you.

I quit cigarettes.
I get good grades in school. well I always did but I just like to add that in there so I feel good about myself haha
I beat the shit out of my mom and she cut my hand open and now I have 7 stitches. it's ok though cause now we don't talk and I dislocated her jaw :)
I luv dan even though he's mosh'n at united blood 08'
my dad said if I keep my grades the same for the next 3 weeks, he's gunna send me to go to Germany alone to see my favorite cousin ^___^ and if you know me, you know I f'n love Germany.
I need to dye my hair. lighter brown.

p.s, I wuv this weather, I hope it stays spring 4e but I hope school ends asap. I NEED A NEW BOWL. sigh. I start work after my stitches are gone :/ m0ney m0ney m0neeeeeeeeeey<3
oh yeah and I just woke up from sleeping 16 hour straight, go f yaself i'm the man.

Fuck you anxiety and paranoia, you're taking over my life.

I wish you would stop caring so much about what your stupid fucking friends think, and do something that YOU want to do. Sorry i'm 3 years younger. Ugh.

okay so this is supposed to be a new year right? i'm not so hopefull. latley, everything has been sucking more than it usually does. I'm really not looking foward to a new year, mostly because I know I won't change, and i'm WAY too stubborn to even stick to my new years resoultion which happens to be quitting cigarettes, and stop being such an angry phychopath bitch all the fucking time. being a bitch got so old, so fast. i'm actually tired of being mad at everyone and freaking out over every little thing. i'm realizing that i'm more pathetic for not having the self-motivation to do anything that i've wanted to do in life. it disgusts me. i'm just planning on chilling out in 2008 because I'm tired of being up-tight and bound to snap any second.

I miss my old friends. seriously. more than anything. I miss waaaay back in 8th grade when every fucking thing ruled and no one could ever get in the way of anything I wanted to do. I spent all my time with my bestfriend stephanie gonzales, and I barley talk to her now. she probably hates me. she's so disgusted to see what i've become and what I have left and what bad habits I've picked up. I miss her. she really was my first bestfriend. we did EVERYTHING together. I'm dissapointed in myself though. I made her pick up bad habits like smoking and other stupid shit, atleast she was mature enough to quit and realize I wasn't a good influence and stop talking to me. I'm proud of her. I look up to her, and her mom Norma for being so strong through everything. she really is a good mom. unlike mine, god where do I even begin. it seems like as each day passes me and my mom are at each others throats even more. being in the same room with her causes tension for both of us and we have to walk on egg shells. I hate her more than anyone I know. I can't wait till I fucking move out of my house oh my god that's going to be the best day of my god damned life. I really would never complain if I never saw my mom again. I blame her for the way I am when I think about it because she gave me SO much attention growing up, that I rejected all of it and rebeled against everything she told me to do and what not to do. she doesn't know how to raise kids and she's never really been here for me when I needed her the most, then again... no one has. I've been lonely for as long as I remember. I guess i'm used to it now.

recap on my whole week off from school(thank the pits of hell before I went crazy and shot myself in the middle of math or something) uhh I basically did nothing all week except smoke weed hah and wasted money on a lip tattoo when I went to the city with aileen and met up with tiffany and frodo and his friend, then later on shane and justin. they're all really nice. my tattoos fading already though :'[

obviously I really don't even care about what type of tattoo I get because I know it's going to fade away. so I did it out of impulse. hahaha and the fact that no one can see it made me want to get something more assholeish/non-serious even more.

on a brighter note, i like a boy and about 4 boys like me and it's the most frustrating fucking thing to talk to all of them and NOT lead them on. it's so annoying, and such a fucking hassle. UGHHHHH EVERYONE GO AWAY >:0 i'm not goodlooking leave me alone. boys are stupid

how about everyone tries to STAY THE FUCK OUT of my buisness. don't talk to the friends i have. don't know their names. don't be nice. they don't exsist to you. they're MY friends. don't fucking get involved. they don't like you. wow since when has it been okay for people to be shitty friends? no one fucking knows how to be a good friend anymore. i honestly don't even fucking want friends. i want to live alone. i don't care if you like me or not. don't fucking like me. i'm nothing too great for you to dwell a friendship upon. leave me the fuck alone. everyone lies about EVERYTHING. the stupidest fucking shit. you all fucking suck.

i'm going to kill myself.

i'm taking out the time this weekend to catch up on sleep, do my homework, go to the mall and actually shop instead of talking to my friends who work there, and draw shit in my new sketch book that i stole because i'm a kleptomaniac.

i need everything, my beanie hat back from ryan in zumiez, new jeans, hoodies, shirts, fucking shoes. these 12 dollar wanna-be vans from h&m are falling apart on the bottom and they're going ti rip open and it sucks. i'm thinking of getting the classic laced vans. the black and white ones. or maybe i'll buy something else, i don't know. i'm pretty good when it comes to picking out nice sneakers so i'm sure i'll get something original/classy.

i haven't been drunk in so long and i'm certainly going throughout pill withdrawls at the moment and denying it to myself which is so fucking stupid hahaha but i really don't care. i'm qutting though, pills and drinking for a while. just sticking with good old cigarettes, to calm myself down when i need them. can't go wrong with cigarettes until you get lung and gum cancer and die ^_^ fabuuuuuulous.


i like a boy. i like a boy. i like a boy.
too bad all relationships are meant to end and they never actually last so i guess i'll just have fun with this knowing it's never gunna be forever. i just think it's dumb when people who are like 16 think that they're going to be together forever. no fucking way. there is not a snow balls chance in hell that by the time you're 20 you'll be together still. i'm a hypocrite. i know this and i'm glad to admit it.


" NOTHING. GOLD. CAN. STAY. "

so basically i ended up probably failing like almost, if not all of my classes because i'm a lazy slob and i did SO fucking good the first half of the quarter and then i just stopped caring and kept devoting my time to other, more important things.. such as drugs and making fun of girls i hate. if i had the chance i'd drop out of highschool in 2.4 seconds flat, no second thoughts cause it's a waste of time. I HATE IT. i've made friends and lost friends and to tell you the truth i don't care. i'm basically over the fact of trying to be friendly to everyone and "make peace" because i realized it's never gunna work for as long as i live so i just don't bother haha. besides i'm completely convinced i'm committing suicide at the age of 22 because everything after 22 sucks in life. life already sucks. you suck. everyone sucks. i'm realizing more and more that i only like drama in my life if i create it WHICH IS VERY RARE. other peoples drama that involves me someway or another annoys the fucking shit out of me and if i didn't engage myself into it, and somehow got involved i get SO annoyed. i really like my friend lauren, she's from deerpark/dixhills and i think she's such a nice girl, honestly i tell her all of my problems and she relates with me and helps me out and in return i try to be the best friend that i can be to her. i just wish she lived closer because she's probably the only person besides a couple of people who i could hang out with everyday and not get bored/annoyed. and the BEST thing about her is that she doesn't ever fuck friends over and i don't fuck my friends over and that's why i like her so much.

heehehe i'm basically envolved with trying to find the cutest most bestest boyfriend in the world at the moment along with all the other pointless drama filled bullshit in my life haha and i'm narrowing down my searches. and i'm happy to say i made a promise to myself that i'm never dating a boy my age ever again and i'd probably not date a kid who was 17 either unless i really liked him. older boys forever<3 they're just better in every way possible and waaaay more fun to be around haha. I'm GOING ON A DATE TOMMORROW ^___^ HEHEHEHEHE, i know, really giddy, really gay, really corny, but still REALLY cute. oh and i'm focusing on getting a job hahahahahah because i'm so mad i don't have money and i want to improve my work ethic and actually keep myself busy so i'm gunna work like a couple days a week(hopefully) and then do my homework and school bullshit and balance fwends+skewl+b0y(s)+work all in one n_n.

oh and hahahahah my friend lucia is gunna beat the shit out of this tiny girl amanda tommorrow or in the near future aka after school and it's gunna be so funny because i'm just gunna watch her PUMMEL this fucking girl into the ground.

i'm getting better. be happy for me. i'm getting over nick, well sort of. i mean i'm like not mad about it anymore, we SHOULD have stayed friends but he's just immature and that's not my problem, don't think just cause i don't care that i'm not going to kill amanda when i see her, cause i am. i'm going to decapitate that girl and i find it funny that she still talks a LOAD of shit about me which i could careless about i just wanna see what she's gunna do when she sees me infront of her/running at her/punching her/ripping her hair out/removing her teeth. it's so funny cause everyone can tell they don't get along at all and he can't stand her but he lies to himself and like pretends to like her hahahahahaah i mean atleast if you're gunna date a walking std slut, date one that you can SOME WHAT get along with. she's nothing like him it's so funny. and get this lmfao LMFAO he talks to her the SAME way he talked to me when we went out aka (i wasted 9 months of my time thinking he was a good kid) they have like the same jokes we had... OH AND SHE PRETENDS TO BE ME! HAHAHAHHAH I DIDN'T MENTION THAT, yes i've heard from several different people, boys and girls, that she takes out her time to try to act/talk/look like me. isn't that flattering? yes.

so lately for the past like roughly 3/4 weeks i've been spending all of my time with caitlin and natalie. not going to lie, i'd rather spend time with them forever than anyone else. why you ask? because we all get along way too well, except for the fact that my moms a minor problem but we find ways to get around it, it's so much fun being with them. i purposely introduced natalie to cait because i knew they'd get along. or atleast caitlin would some what like her and it turned out better than i even assumed and now we hang out everyday. it's just nice to know people are there and they listen ya know?

waaaaaaah and now for the downside i'm drenched in school work basically and i'm procrastinating it and if i don't turn it in on tuesday (2 days from now) i'm going to basically fail my science class haha which i CAN NOT do. i just hate my teacher ugh what the hell she's the biggest fart-brain-doo-doo-head-retard ever. i can't handle all the work she gives us and all the other kids in the class do their work on time cause they have no lives and no friends and that's all they do... is school stuff... in their room..... alone.. O_O WEIRDOS but yeah i have a life k thanks so i can't keep up with school yadda yadda yadda.and LOLOLOL look at my little ' mood ' thingy it's a cat sitting infront of either a laptop or an opened brief case and i'm laughing so hard cause it's so cute.

heheh i have crushs on boys and i bet you're all dieing to know but i will neva eva eva tell cause i get so embarrassed ( i know really hard to imagine, me? dilan? getting embarrassed.. weird) OK SO BYE.

i can never vent on live journal or to people, because i never think they're listening or they even care. and i have to always bottle shit up inside of me.

i'm single. i love my ex-boyfriend. he's dating the grimiest slut in the world. and now we don't even talk.

how do you think i fucking feel.